Friday, October 05, 2007

Weekly World News

So I was wandering the internet out side of the safety of Wikipedia and I came across an article about Paulo & Benedetta Cipriani the worlds heaviest couple and how they gave birth to a baby that weighed over 28 lbs. After doing some research, in order to find pictures of this baby, I discovered, to my horror that the internet had lied to me. The story of the Ciprianis is not true it is in fact the product of the great minds at the Weekly World News.

I have never read the Weekly World News but from what I have read about it on Wikipedia it is one fantastic periodical. Unfortunately because of this bad experience of reading non-collaboratively written content I won't be able to read the the actual Weekly World News. But I take solace in the fact that like most other media it is probably better to just read what Wikipedia has to say
about it. It is kind of like why teachers have kids do book reports (so they don't have to read the boring parts themselves.

The Weekly World News (The WWN) was launched in 1979 by American Media as a means to continue using the black and white press that their higher-profile tabloid, The National Enquirer, had been printed on before they switched it over to color. Which to me is an awesome concept, like they say waste not want not. The WWN like many supermarket weeklies in the U.S., was published in Boca Raton, Florida. It was unique as a tabloid because was it printed entirely in black and white.

The WWN has traditionally claimed it always prints the truth (typical slogan: "Nothing but the truth: The Weekly World News!"). Many stories, however, appeared to have comedic intent. While the tabloid's main rival, The Sun, carried a fine print disclaimer, the WWN never publicly questioned the accuracy of its own stories. In recent years, The Sun has moved more toward articles on health, and miracle cures, mostly. This has left the WWN to alone cover it's niche of "news" that the traditional media dared not report, such as sitings of Elvis Presley and the Loch Ness monster. Some people believe that in the 21st century, the tabloid has grown even more farcical.

The article talks about a lot of great stories that The WWN has reported on. Probably the most famous are the fact the Elvis is still alive and the story of Bat Boy. Bat Boy is "half human and half bat". He has done such varied things as graduated with an art degree form a small liberal arts college in upstate New York to attacking a fifth-grader in a park in Orlando, Florida. Another notable event in Bat Boys life is that he was instrumental in the War on Terror when he found and captured Saddam Hussein. I am sure this put a damper on Saddam's relationship with Osama Bin Ladin. Then there is the story of the cannibal food critic, who rates the people he eats, based on their nationalities. He didn't like Mexican or Chinese people as food, because they were "too spicy." Germans, on the other hand, were fattening and "greasy" while the one American he had eaten was rated highly for "taste, texture, and appearance."


The most detailed account from the Weekly World News, recorded a mermaid being caught in a fishing net off of the coast of Florida on April 17, 2004. She was at least half-human, very sociable, and extremely intelligent. The mermaid measured five feet from the tip of her upturned nose to the end of her spiny, translucent tail. Experts which talked with WWN reporters say she was able to talk in a sophisticated "three dimensional language" that depends heavily on noises that could possibly be connected to the "click languages" prevalent in parts of Africa and on hand movements that look like sign language instructed to deaf people around the globe. A linguist who had spent several hours with the mermaid at an undisclosed marine study facility in Florida declared that once they are able to establish communication, everything known about human evolution, the specialness of human intelligence, everything thought about fish - "It's all going out the door".

The location of the research facility where the mermaid was being studied was never released to the public, but some 'sources' have led to an abandoned seafood-processing plant as an assumed location. DNA testing taking shortly after her capture proved that the mermaid's genes are split between both humans and fish; specifically, Homo Sapiens and a sea bass species that has been extinct for over forty thousand years.

U.S. Customs agents labeled the creature "an exotic fish not cleared for importation into the United States". Within hours of the exotic find, she was airlifted to the unknown marine research facility where the government scientists are said to be giving a complete medical check-up to see how closely connected to man is to the bizarre creature. One expert was quoted thusly: "If it can be recognized that humans share a substantial amount of genetic coding with the mermaid, the understanding of our origins may change. Instead of looking for missing links between man and monkeys in the jungles of Africa, we'll have to start searching for the missing link between humans and fish, and between humans and merpeople — the mermaids and the mermen."

Since she was so strong, two crewmen had to pin down the mermaid to the deck by putting their knees on her shoulders while a third blew marijuana smoke in her face to sedate her. President George W. Bush took a keen interest in the mermaid and her well-being. He felt so deeply about the mermaid that he ordered two personal chefs to help with the creature's dietary needs. The dishes which he believed would benefit the half-human, half-fish were "two of his favorite comfort foods — Texas catfish and hush puppies with jalapeño bits. Details were released claiming the mermaid had a hearty appetite, thoroughly enjoying the food. In latest reports, she seems happy, broods when she's left alone, and perks up when she sees a human.

Freeze-dried baby

A series of several articles dealt with a couple whose doctor told them they could not have more children, and whose only son, Christer, climbed out of his crib one night and drank chemicals under the kitchen sink. They decided to take his remains to a taxidermist and freeze dry him so he could stand in the corner, his hand grabbing the waistline of his diaper. The next story had them going to prison because it is illegal to dispose of a corpse in any manner other than burial or cremation without a statement in writing from the deceased. The parents eventually died in a boating accident. The final story had a billionaire collector of weird things buy Christer's remains in the couple's neighbors' garage sale for ten cents.

Miss Adventure

Miss Adventure is the"The Gayest American Hero". He is a homosexual man and worked as a hairdresser in his hometown of Teaneck, New Jersey. He has climbed Mount Everest in mink and high heels ("The mountain was gorgeous, the snowmen abominable"), journeyed to the center of the earth ("When I go down, honey, I go down"), was shot off in a space shuttle ("I'd wish they'd find another way to describe that"), infiltrated the Mafia ("The FBI has a noble drag queen tradition"), discovered the Lost City of Atlantis ("Not much different from a trailer park, really"), traveled out West ("When they call a guy a cowpoke they really mean it"), and survived an overturned cruise ship ("Trust me, it's not the first time I've seen that many sailors with their legs in the air").

So it seems like the Weekly World News is truly a page turner. My only fear is that they are part of some conspiracy to throw us of the track of the real conspiracies.

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